The path I’m on is not one I ever expected, foresaw, or even wanted. The Ordeal set it in motion, but it was only the start.
Since Beltane, I’ve been getting hints of what He wants. I say “hints” not because He’s being vague, but because I didn’t want to recognize it. Mundane distractions are a great block, at least for a while. But things kept coming through; a sketch here, a thought there, and my Beltane experience did not go away.
Enter Twilight Covening. This retreat in Massachusetts is a beautiful, transformational experience, an entire weekend spent in ritual space with clans dedicated to specific work. This year I was in Gryphon Clan, focusing on Dark Eros work – combining spirituality with BDSM. I selected it specifically to help me reconcile my new relationship with Cernunnos. I got more than I bargained for.
Something that had been tickling at my brain for months was the collaring itself. This is no small thing; I can’t just start wearing it apropos of nothing. On top of that, I am not naturally submissive, so a part of me has been fighting the idea of being formally collared. While there is a test, so to speak, already in the works, I didn’t have any idea how the collar would make it to me prior to that.
I got my answer over Twilight Covening. At the Releasing Fire, I let go of expectations, tried to let go of fear and doubt so I could put my trust in my clan and in Cernunnos. I opened myself up to the mountain, my clan-mates, and my gods. And, open as I was, over the course of the weekend, it finally dawned on me that there was only one way I would ever be able to accept a collar.
I will have to be broken.
I discussed this calmly with a clan member the afternoon before the Visioning Ritual, and it was on my mind during the ritual. The reality came at me well after it was done, during the late dinner. I ate very little, quietly went to clan space alone, curled up into a ball, and had a breakdown. I bawled; I punched the floor; I sobbed into the air, “I don’t want to, I’m afraid, I want things to go back to how they were.”
I don’t know how long I was alone, but a few of my clanmates found me in time. One came in and stayed with me while I broke down again; another came shortly after to check on us. They offered company and perspective that I needed, asking questions that I needed to answer for myself. One even offered up the word for what I would become: Godslave.
I returned from Twilight Covening with resignation. I want things to stay in their nice neat little places, for my relationships with my deities to stay as they were. That’s not how the universe works, though… and while I’m still not without hesitation, I don’t doubt that this is something I need to do and that this is the path I need to follow.