Isolation.

The ride home from Twilight Covening was an odd one.  I was carpooling with good friends, all of us piled into two cars.  I listed to them chatter about their experiences and “a-ha” moments.  I offered some perspective here and there where it was appropriate.  I told a funny story or two, listened, and explained to one what my clan was generally about.

I did not discuss my own breakthroughs.

While part of it was respect for my clan mates’ anonymity, it was mostly a feeling of isolation.  None of the friends with whom I traveled will really ever get it.  They are wonderful, supportive people, don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t think there’s anything with which they can relate in the path I’m walking.

By the same token, I have friends in the kink community who wouldn’t understand either.  Their spirituality (whatever path they walk) is entirely separate from their lives in BDSM.  Many of them simply wouldn’t get the whole “collared to a non-corporeal entity” thing.  And while none of these friends would judge me worse by it, it’s not something for which they have a reference.

So I keep quiet.

On top of that, many of my friends know what they want, and they know how to get it or to ask for it.  I don’t, or won’t admit.  While my time at Twilight was wonderful, I was isolated from my clan to a degree by this failing on my part.  I saw my clan mates getting the Work they needed done, asking for what they wanted, getting input.  I watched this wistfully, wishing I could be that open and honest with myself, much less with others.  As a child I had no problems asking for hugs or attention or help; as I grew older, I closed off and it grew more difficult for me.  It’s a constant fight with myself.

I have said that I am fortunate in my support group, and I am.  I couldn’t ask for better friends, better family.  But there is still a certain amount of loneliness in this path.  For some of it, I will simply have to cope.  For other aspects, I will have to learn to ask.  And in the end, I will have to learn to get my support from the One who is guiding me along this path – no matter how stubborn I want to be.

About Fala

Fala Redwing is dedicated to Cernunnos as lover, submissive, and slave. A practicing Pagan since 2001 and a member of the BDSM community since 2006, Fala is an eclectic Witch and natural switch. Fala can be contacted at falaredwing@gmail.com.

3 thoughts on “Isolation.

  1. She Squeals says:

    Reading this, I am struck by a thought that I’ve had on this path. Maybe this is how diety wants to force you out and to connect? By making you feel your isolation so profoundly, you choose to open.

    Sometimes we need to sink to our depths in order to find ourselves.

    Hugs and I’m here if you need me,,

  2. Okay, I absolutely have to intervene here. I was hoping we could talk about this, but these “I am all alone” posts are driving me a bit bonkers.
    Here are some online resources to people who have kinky sexual relationships with Deity and are public about their experiences. Some of them are Godslaves, some are Godspouses, and (like me) some of us aren’t so lucky as to have any sort of “relationships” with Deity but who have kinky sex and power dynamic interactions with them.

    Barkingshaman.com- Wintersong Tashlin
    Fruit of Pain (on wordpress) -Anya Kless
    Ravenkaldera.org and paganbdsm.org- Raven Kaldera
    Twilight and Fire (on wordpress) -Elizabeth Vongsivith
    Blood for the Divine- a collaborative blog about ordeal work, including sex work with Deity
    Passionandsoul.com- Lee Harrington (he also has another site more directly dealing with his spiritual work called The Temple Oracle)

    I am also working to get you subscribed to an invite-only email group, but it will take a little time.

    You may feel alone, and your experiences may feel isolating, and maybe that’s the way He wants you to feel. But factually, you are by far not the first or only person I know with this sort of calling.

    • Fala says:

      Understandable. 🙂 I know in my head that there are others, and I know that I am factually not alone. A lot of it is my own doing, which I wholly own. I run from the unfamiliar, and isolate myself – again, entirely my own fault.

      As far as I know, He is not denying me the community that exists, but again, it’s an unfamiliar thing to me, which scares me, which makes me pull away and be all emo-dramatic and ridiculous and bonkers-inducing. Your candor helps, and the resources you offer are invaluable; thank you.

      Hopefully that made sense? To simplify: Most of my isolation is my own fear. We will talk, if you’re still willing.

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