The ride home from Twilight Covening was an odd one. I was carpooling with good friends, all of us piled into two cars. I listed to them chatter about their experiences and “a-ha” moments. I offered some perspective here and there where it was appropriate. I told a funny story or two, listened, and explained to one what my clan was generally about.
I did not discuss my own breakthroughs.
While part of it was respect for my clan mates’ anonymity, it was mostly a feeling of isolation. None of the friends with whom I traveled will really ever get it. They are wonderful, supportive people, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t think there’s anything with which they can relate in the path I’m walking.
By the same token, I have friends in the kink community who wouldn’t understand either. Their spirituality (whatever path they walk) is entirely separate from their lives in BDSM. Many of them simply wouldn’t get the whole “collared to a non-corporeal entity” thing. And while none of these friends would judge me worse by it, it’s not something for which they have a reference.
So I keep quiet.
On top of that, many of my friends know what they want, and they know how to get it or to ask for it. I don’t, or won’t admit. While my time at Twilight was wonderful, I was isolated from my clan to a degree by this failing on my part. I saw my clan mates getting the Work they needed done, asking for what they wanted, getting input. I watched this wistfully, wishing I could be that open and honest with myself, much less with others. As a child I had no problems asking for hugs or attention or help; as I grew older, I closed off and it grew more difficult for me. It’s a constant fight with myself.
I have said that I am fortunate in my support group, and I am. I couldn’t ask for better friends, better family. But there is still a certain amount of loneliness in this path. For some of it, I will simply have to cope. For other aspects, I will have to learn to ask. And in the end, I will have to learn to get my support from the One who is guiding me along this path – no matter how stubborn I want to be.