Yesterday I mentioned my feelings of isolation and, based on a well-deserved kick in the ass I received as a result of my emo “woe is me,” I wanted to clarify a couple of things (especially since I’m now properly medicated, yay!).
– I am not factually alone in my practice or in my path. I have an incredible support group around me, and there are a number of excellent people following a path similar to mine to whom I can turn for guidance.
– My feelings of isolation are entirely due to my own fears.
So… about fear. It’s come up a lot. Some of my clan mates from Twilight Covening asked some very good questions about it. What am I afraid of? And why, in this midst of this fear, am I proceeding anyway?
Directly applicable to the isolation whinge is my own anxiety about being misunderstood by the people I love, such as the friends with whom I attended TC. I’m following a path that I’m afraid will weird them out; not only do I not want to make them uncomfortable by talking about it if they don’t want to hear about it, but I don’t want to push them away by not discussing it and implying I don’t trust them, which isn’t the case. So either I yammer on about it because it’s the only thing on my mind right now, or I keep totally silent about it and everything else because I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. (Did that confuse you as much as it did me? If so, then you’ve got a pretty good idea how foolish I can be about this stuff.) End result: I isolate myself out of fear of simultaneously weirding or muting out my friends.
On the flip side of that is the community who does understand. I know a few personally. There are many more I don’t know. Which rolls neatly into another major part of my fears: the Unknown (bum bum BUUUUM). Unsettled, unfamiliar, unpredictable, un-my-current-sit-on-the-couch-and-play-stupid-games habit. Cue the four-year-old. “Dun wanna can’t make me lemme alone!” (Flail pout whine cry waaaaah.)
The icing on the cake of Unknown? My best, most reliable touchstone can’t be present for the collaring ordeal. Not that Kit is barred from it, mind you. But to the best of my knowledge so far (which may change; it’s still early), what will be involved is outside what his personality will be able to tolerate. On top of that, he feels that his presence would interfere – that I need to reach to Him for my touchstone for this, and Kit being there would only make that harder. The thought of doing this without Kit makes me shaky and scared, despite my trust in Cernunnos.
Which brings me to the last point: Why, if I’m so afraid, am I still doing this? One thing is clear to me: It’s not out of fear of my deities. I fear the change, I fear the challenge, but I do not fear Them. While I don’t think Them infallible (mythology is full of stories to the contrary), I do know that They have never led me into unnecessary harm. Cernunnos is not doing this out of cruelty or amusement; I need this, or He needs me to do this, or both. So despite my fear, I continue. Haltingly and whining sometimes, but I continue nonetheless.
My challenge is to overcome my fears long enough to reach out to the community that exists, and to take the help that has been offered as I walk this path. Because really… I’m stubborn and afraid, but I’m not alone.