Last night I had an excellent and enlightening conversation with a trusted friend and ordeal worker. He had received communication from Him with many details about the ordeal I will face. While I won’t share all those details (and am not permitted knowledge of many of them), there is one thing that struck me very, very hard.
It is possible for me to fail this ordeal. If I do, He will disappear from my life for one year.
A year without His voice. A year without His touch. A year of silence from Him. I typically find the Voices inconvenient and disruptive; I didn’t expect this to hit me as hard as it has. I didn’t expect me to be as attached to Him as I am. He has been in my life for nearly a decade; He was the first distinct voice to identify Himself to me, to come to me and say, “You are one of Mine.”
I spoke to Kit about some of the pieces – he is ever my confidant – and to another friend. When I told them about the year of silence, I found myself crying. It’s like being told I would only hear half of everything for a year, lose part of myself for a year. It’s not a feeling I had anticipated.
I have about six months to ready myself, or face a year without Him. Half a year to prepare my body, my mind, my life to be His, to do the Work He says, to be the slave and lover He needs me to be for Him. I find myself staring at my painting of Him, staring at the design I made for Him, staring down the barrel of a year of silence.
I want Him to stay. I don’t want to lose Him, even for a year. He doesn’t want me to fail, and I don’t want to disappoint Him. I want to succeed.
I am not alone. I am not helpless. I have tools and resources to get me through and get me prepared. I have my own stubbornness and fire, if I turn it to the right purpose.
I have half a year. Failure might be a possibility… but it is not an option.