There’s a phrase I think I’ve been using a lot during this journey: “No choice.” I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reading, and in hindsight, this phrase isn’t accurate.
As stated by Merriam-Webster, choice is defined as:
1: the act of choosing : selection (finding it hard to make a choice)
2: power of choosing : option (you have no choice)
I have the power to choose; I always have. I simply have to make the choice.
Choice One: Refuse. Walk away. Turn my back on being His, doing the work He asks of me. I could continue my life as it has been, with the games and laziness. The cost would be Him; He would disappear from my life. It might take time, but eventually, even the the most dedicated Lover will leave when ignored. It would put my relationships with other Deities at risk as well, for many reasons. I suspect my life and spirituality would become echoing and empty.
Choice Two: Accept. Bow my head in submission to Him, make the effort, do the work. Put Him before any of my other Deities or spirits, wear His Collar, and change my life. It means spending time in devotion to Him, loving Him, and listening to what He has to say. It will change my relationships with friends, family, and community. It means sacrificing much, most of which I don’t even know yet. Life would be harder, but I can’t even imagine the potential rewards.
I’ve already proven to myself that the thought of life without Him is heartrending. There is only one other time I’ve reacted to a potential loss that way, and I’m married to that man.
By starting the plans and the collar and the devotions, I have started down the second path. By getting rid of some of the life-wasting games and limiting my time on ridiculous things, I’ve stepped further away from the first. It was not a conscious choice, but it’s been a choice regardless.
I hadn’t really given it much thought before, and now that I do… I don’t see myself changing that decision. In my mind, the first path isn’t even an option. So I continue down the second path, preparing for Him, for the ordeal that will mark me as His. I continue daily devotions, letters, little actions that change me, bit by bit.
I’ve had the power to choose all along. I’ve chosen Him.