When I first had my breakdown about this whole turn, my clan mates brought up the idea of negotiation. Even with a deity, they said, there must be space for negotiation. I immediately said that it wasn’t an option, because if I were to negotiate anything, I’d not want the situation at all. That wasn’t happening, so what was the point of negotiating?
There are certain things that are nonnegotiable in this, which I’ve heard called a non-consensual or “non-con” relationship. I’m committed to completing the ordeal, and that’s one place where negotiation is not possible. There are things I don’t like that will be involved, whether I specifically agree to them or not. It will happen at the specified time, and I will succeed or fail based on His final decision, not mine.
But negotiating, I’m finding, is not all about the big things. I’m learning that some of the most telling negotiations are in the little things, the day-to-day, in which He has much more say than I expected. It’s where my relationship with Him is really being defined – where most relationships are, in fact.
Take, for instance, my morning conversation. He wanted me to wear the sexy red bra. I preferred the more comfortable blue. I wore the blue under the condition that I wore heels instead of kicks to work. That, I realized, was a negotiation. A small one, seemingly inconsequential, but a negotiation nonetheless.
And I’m learning to choose what to negotiate, because sometimes it’s better if I accept rather than try to bargain. In wearing the blue bra and heels instead of the red bra and kicks, I had to go grocery shopping in heels. Which hurts. A lot. (Had I been thinking and not rushing out the door, I would have thought about that.)
I might not be able to “red” with Cernunnos ever. There are things on which He will not budge. But I can negotiate, and He will listen. Sometimes, He might even agree. That’s kind of a big deal to me, that even after making the big choice, there are little choices in which I do have some say… even if it means grocery shopping in heels.