Cernunnos is not pleased with me. W/we made a few deals, you see, involving Him letting me indulge and, in exchange, I was supposed to exercise. He’s been putting a lot of focus on my physical health and appearance (which I’ll cover in detail in another post), and for the past week, we’ve had an agreement: If I wake up before 6AM, I must go for a walk.
This morning, I woke up at 5:04. Tuesday I woke up around 5:30. Monday it was closer to 5:00. I went back to sleep.
Tuesday, I was supposed to do some exercise at home. I have Netflix; I have EA Active; I have a fitness ball and yoga mat and resistance bands. I had an extra piece of lasagna for dinner, but did not exercise. I’ve been trying to justify it – in two weeks, my office moves and I’ll be walking a mile to and from work anyway.
No dice. He is not convinced, and not pleased.
He came this close to outright yelling at me this morning. Not only have I not been fulfilling my end of the deals W/we’ve made, but He reminded me last night that I have not been open as I am supposed to be. There’s a spot in my chest, you see – anahata, if you follow the chakras – that He has been pushing to have open. Last night Kit came to me and, without a word, pressed a knuckle into anahata. Cernunnos zinged me there after my time talking to Him. There are reasons for this, I know, but I’ve been falling back into some habits that close me off again.
I am not keeping my end of the bargain. He is letting me know. I have five months of training left, and while I am making a number of changes of which He is proud, this is not one of them.
Keep your word, He reminds me. I can’t be of use if I can’t keep my promises. Tonight, as consequence, I’m not allowed to go to the Labyrinth Walk a friend is facilitating. I must exercise.
It seems a small thing, this exercise deal. But it’s not. I made a deal, and I broke it. One doesn’t break a deal with a deity and get away without consequence.
I’m not sure how to end this entry neatly; I’m tired, and His disappointment is clouding my head. But I have to reiterate to myself: Failure is not an option.