Learning silence.

A recent experience taught me one of my most painful lessons to date: silence.

I’ve been talkative for a long time.  When I was a child, it was because I was a surprisingly social creature.  These days, it covers my shyness (yes, I have it), but often reveals my awkwardness.  The past several years have represented a lot of work on keeping certain subjects quiet, especially things that are not mine to tell.  Not that I try to be a gossip, but I do run on at the mouth a lot and, in the past, had a bad habit of saying something without thinking and not realizing until later that it wasn’t mine to tell.  I never seemed to cause any damage, but finally figured out what I was doing and started making an effort to occasionally shut my trap before I did cause damage.

Part of what helps is having a confidant to whom I tell everything.  Kit has always been that for me.  He can keep things quiet, and sometimes the things said to him disappear into the ether that is a PTSD memory.  All the things I can’t say to anyone else go to him, and that not only helps me keep my yap quiet when I need to, but helps give me perspective on situations that I might misread or misinterpret.

Recently I had a long discussion with a friend.  What was said isn’t important and not mine to share, but there was nothing hurtful in the conversation.  What hurt is that after it was done, I heard a familiar voice.

You can’t speak of this.

There was no quarter.  You can’t speak of this.  Period.  Done.  Not a word.  To anyone.

I have heard much of sacred silence in the past several years, even more so recently.  There is a certain confidentiality that is rightfully expected of the Work spirit-workers perform.  A spirit-worker, no matter how well-intentioned or skilled, cannot earn the trust of the people who might need their help by running off at the mouth.  Confidentiality, then, is sometimes more important to a spirit-worker than it is to a doctor or therapist.  The difference is that doctors and therapists at least have other doctors and therapists in which they can confide.

Not here.

This lesson hit me like a freight train.  It showed me, more than anything so far, that He is training me for Work.  I sat on the bed, held on to Kit, and sobbed, because in this Work, my partner and confidant has been barred.

Let me make one thing very clear: Kit is not hurt, shocked, or surprised by this.  He has never, ever pressed me for the things I share with him so freely.  He knows the value of silence, and there are things he can’t tell me, which I have long accepted.  I should not have been surprised by this lesson, but I was.  Part of my life can’t be shared with this man I trust and love so much, and it hurts.  And it sucks.

Cernunnos was gentle with me that night.  As Kit held me, so did He, touching my hair and reminding me that I do have a confidant, just not the one to which I am accustomed.  He excused me from the night’s devotion so that I could rest and process, and let me sleep a little later than He otherwise has of late.

It’s a hard lesson, but a valuable one, and there is no other way to teach it.  If I can consistently keep my silence with Kit, then I can do so for others in the future.  Yes, it hurts and sucks and all of those other things, but I have to learn this, or everything else is wasted.

About Fala

Fala Redwing is dedicated to Cernunnos as lover, submissive, and slave. A practicing Pagan since 2001 and a member of the BDSM community since 2006, Fala is an eclectic Witch and natural switch. Fala can be contacted at falaredwing@gmail.com.

2 thoughts on “Learning silence.

  1. As I read this,and as someone with years of experience as a spirit worker, I’m going to let you in on a trade secret. Sometimes we consult with each other on cases. Even when the client expects confidentiality, if I feel like I can’t do my best without talking to another person (whether that person has to be a spirit worker or not is another issue) sometimes I find it useful to explain to someone who understands. In fact, I find myself doing this today. I usually leave out the personal details, so that the other spirit worker cannot easily identify who is I’m talking about; I only share the parts of the case that I either feel compelled to talk about with someone else, or that I need help with. Loki tests me all the time, though. I’m a terrible gossip; it is one of devices that I still allow myself. But I have learned to make the most out of what I can gossip about (FSA politics, anyone?) So that I can keep my mouth shut when I have to.

    But overall, you are right. There are parts of the Work that you must hold in sacred confidence. People tend to bare their souls when they consult with spirit workers (and diviners, and healers, and priests) and they want to feel safe in doing so.

    One last piece of advice: I have negotiated with my Gods that some things must be shared with my spouse. Things that fall under this heading include any sex work that I am expected to do (not that it happens to me a lot, but it does), any time there is a fluid exchange, whether accidental or necessary. Basically, anything that falls under our poly disclosure agreement. This negotiated situation also stands true when I am being possessed; I can’t get away with “I wasn’t there at the time!”

  2. Fala says:

    Thank you. I can see the value and need to consult with others, especially when trying to do one’s best by a client. And thank you for mentioning the spouse caveat; that is a set of expectations I should clarify with Himself.

    The challenge for me is that Kit has always heard the things I tell no one else, including things I am told in confidence. As I go further, that won’t always be an option, and that is the lesson. If I can keep my silence with Kit, no matter how much I want to tell him, then chances are I can keep it with anyone.

    But OH MAN, can it suck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s