One of my distractions and guilty pleasures lately has been reading articles and watching shows about cleaning and organizing (think “Clean House, Unclutterer, and “Hoarders”). There is a part of me that, like others attracted to these shows, feels relief that my house, for all its faults and clutter, is not in anywhere near the dire conditions as some of these homes. For all the stuff we own and the people and the pets, the thought crosses my mind that at least my floors are clear, and my dishes and laundry get done, and my home is, while not perfect, comfortable.
But wait. Anybody ever seen the stereotype of the perfectionist with the dirty little secret? Perfect home, perfect family, skeleton in the closet? It got me thinking. So often we bemoan physical clutter, but what about spiritual, mental, or emotional clutter? Mental and emotional clutter are occasionally discussed on organizing blogs and such, but never spiritual clutter. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen mention of it anywhere, not as such anyhow.
Whether it’s been discussed before or not, I’ve got it. My spiritual house is most decidedly not in order, especially not now. I’m acting, in many ways, like one of the hoarders on the show. Over the first few months, I did beautifully with the tasks I was assigned. I sat nightly at my altar, writing to or talking with Cernunnos. I worked diligently on my collar, and searched for the pieces of the Ordeal for which I am responsible. I braided my hair as I should have; I spoke to Him every day. This is not unlike how hoarders tend to clean and purge regularly for a while.
But like a hoarder, I have allowed old habits to drift back. The holidays came with its distractions, and I was forgiven my slips. Then I got sick, and I was forgiven that. Now I’m recovering very well, and still haven’t gotten back to the schedule set down by Him. I’ve made excuses; I’ve let myself get distracted; I’ve rationalized; I’ve closed off. Now I notice that it’s harder to hear any of Them, and I’m getting scared.
I don’t love Him any less. I don’t value Tamalut or Ganesha or the others any less. But I am allowing old habits and distractions to get in the way of my responsibilities. I’m closing off again, those diversions blanking me out so I can’t hear what They have to say, and I need to stop it.
So tonight I go back to my basics. At 10:00PM, I will brush my teeth, wash my face, and brush my hair. I will undress and light the candles on my altar. I will pull out the book I used at the beginning and write to Him again. I will talk to Him on my walks to and from work, and reach out to the Others.
Time is beginning to press, and failure is still not an option for me. Tonight i start over, and while I don’t expect to never slip again, I will continue to start over as much as I have to in order to make it stick.