Elizabeth Vongvisith posted an excellent piece last October called “The Inequality of Divine Communication.” I re-read it today after sitting with Himself last night and getting this instruction:
Read your notes.
Months back, I wrote several pages of notes in the same book in which I write to Him. They were the notes from my conversation with my Ordeal Master, with things I need to be doing and things I need to read again. One of them was a reference to that essay, which I long ago bookmarked. Today I went into those bookmarks, re-reading the essay, re-reading all the notes I’ve written in the months since those first conversations. It was sobering to realize how far off track I’ve gone, and how much I need this reset.
I also happen to be reading through Fire and Ink by Darkamber, who wrote an entry exactly one year ago titled “Welcome Loki and guest.” It struck a chord for me, and I realized that I have never welcomed my Deities into my life – not even Cernunnos, Who has been in my life for a solid ten years, Whom I do love so much.
That realization is startling. I was never the most willing to answer my godphone, and had a decidedly childish temper tantrum response to much of this for a while (and still occasionally do). Yet I committed to this path; I wear a training collar for Him; I braid my hair for Him and have been in His hands, both in pleasure and in punishment. I have named my kahina, listened to her words. I have been voice for my Mother and the Lord of Om; I have fed my mischievous Siblings; I have felt my Guide perch on my shoulder and used his wings as shields. Yet I have never, ever said, “Welcome to my life.” My actions have not said it either. I have been a grudging host, and rude.
So I am resetting myself. I am scaling back some of my own ambitions, because when faced with some of my tasks, I started making grand plans. The plans don’t have to be so grand. Things are closer to home than I’m letting them be. Things are simpler than I’m letting them be. While time is growing short, things do not have to be as rushed as I keep thinking, because my focus needs to be tighter. It is time to refocus, to re-start, to re-evaluate, and to tell Them: “I welcome You.”