Misplaced detachment.

I walk to and from my day job, a 20 minute commute in all. I use this time to think, and sometimes to talk to Cernunnos or Tamalut. This is also a good time to practice observation, since I’m outside and don’t have music blaring in my ears. Sometimes the observations turn more to the internal.

On my walk home yesterday, I was talking to Him, working out some revelations. The conversation turned towards the coming Ordeal, the things I need to gather, and the things I need to prepare. It struck me that, while I have thought about the Ordeal, I haven’t really thought about it. I’ve detached myself from it, I realized. It’s faded from being this imminent thing for which I must prepare to a very abstract, not-quite-real concept.

That’s fooling myself, I know. The Ordeal is a very real thing; it is being planned, I am preparing for it, and my Ordeal Master is doing work on it. Yet I have detached pretty heavily from the entire thing, as I have been detaching from the rest of it over the past month or so.

“That’s not the point of this,” I said aloud while walking home. “Detaching means riding through the pain. I’m not supposed to do that.”

One of my greatest challenges, even now, is that very detachment. I am a master of it in the worst way. During my worst depressions, in order to not feel the bad things, I learned to shut out all things. I would vanish my very presence, to where Kit, who lives under my skin, couldn’t feel me there. This was a huge handicap when I entered the kink scene, because my detachment was coupled with a self-destructive lack of worth that tended to shut me down when I was meant to feel something good.

While I am much better now than I was, I still have a tendency to retreat when I start feeling overwhelmed. I detach, and still not in a productive way. (I cannot, for instance, detach my emotions from frustrating situations over which I have no control, which would be a healthier thing than flailing about it.) Fear tends to flare up this tendency, and the Ordeal hits a lot of my buttons.

Public attention? Check.

Humiliation? Check.

Potential for failure? Check.

The unknown? Check, double check, and triple check!

And so I have detached, which in turn is fueling my current struggles to stay on the track I set for myself. It will be a lot of work for me to open back up to it – to the love He offers me, as well as to the fear of what is coming. Detaching as I do closes me off from everything; I have to break down those walls before they’re solid cement again.

At least this revelation didn’t come on the Porcelain Thinking Throne.

About Fala

Fala Redwing is dedicated to Cernunnos as lover, submissive, and slave. A practicing Pagan since 2001 and a member of the BDSM community since 2006, Fala is an eclectic Witch and natural switch. Fala can be contacted at falaredwing@gmail.com.

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