I had started this entry months ago with a whole lot of explanation about my personality, but I found I was taking too many words to explain something very simple.
I’m bloody stubborn. And contrary. And I have a temper. I’m a boulder buried six feet deep, likely to bite if poked with a stick. So when someone tells me I have to do something – even if it’s for my own good – I’ll dig in my heels and cross my arms and go right back to my comfy dark hole.
Saying that this makes me a damn poor choice of slave would be presumptuous, at best. But the prospect of being collared is kind of like watching Garfield willingly give up lasagna. Simply putting the collar on me, even in a formal context, wouldn’t be enough. I have to be broken.
This is the integral part of the Ordeal that, while I know it’s necessary, makes me very, very nervous. I already know that I have to provide at least one of the tools to be used on me, if not more – a toybag full of toys I hate. This whole prospect is what made me sob in fear at Twilight Covening; it’s why I started to detach and disassociate around the holidays; it’s the part that makes me cranky.
There are those who would enjoy the process. Not being a masochist, and not being turned on by humiliation, I do not expect to enjoy it. I expect it to be awful for me. There are those who would ask, if that’s the case, why the hell I would put myself through such a thing?
The answer is because it’s necessary. This is not U/us relating as L/lovers. This is not play and it is not sex. This is Ordeal. This is Him claiming me as His slave, asserting Himself as my Owner. In this case, me wanting to submit isn’t enough, because there is a part of me that always fights, even in the face of something I want. This is me being broken down past the part that fights back, to the point at which I resist nothing. This is me earning the collar under which I will do His Work, earning the benefits and love He offers.
Cernunnos can be cruel, but he is not unnecessarily so. The only thing I would say He has done without reason is love me, but I’m sure He has His reasons. He has never punished me without reason; He has never asked anything of me without a reason. I might not know what it is right way, but if I can’t figure it out, He tells me eventually.
In the case of this Ordeal, I have always known the reason – one needs a hammer to break a boulder. I am the boulder, and in providing the Toybag of Hateful Things, I am providing my Ordeal Master the hammer with which to break me for Him. In a way, I’m helping Him help me.
So after all the words, why am I doing this?
I’m doing this because a day of silence from Him makes me nervous; a year would destroy me. I’m doing this because I want to be useful to Him, productive for my community, and a better human being. Most of all, I’m doing this because I do love Him, and I want Him to be proud of me.