I spent the long weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Not to say a few things didn’t get done (I did some whirlwind cleaning yesterday, and went to a local food expo on Saturday), but I had another head cold and spent most of the weekend parked in front of my computer playing “Zoo Tycoon.” (For those playing the home game, that’s two games. Yes, I have permission for both.)
The nothing included much to do with Him. Kit mentioned numerous times that I was closing off again. This wasn’t for lack of trying; every few hours I would sit up and reach out. He again wasn’t saying much to me due to me being sick. There was an odd moment during gameplay that I reached for a cheat shortcut (I’m notorious for that); He said, Play the long game. I think I know why He’s letting me play Zoo Tycoon – it takes patience if you don’t cheat. (My latest game is with the biggest layout available; with a cheat I have an immediate zoo, and without it took me four game years to get seven exhibits done without going bankrupt.)
That said, He was not pleased when I finally took my seat last night. I have been lax yet again; head cold notwithstanding, I could have taken my seat, gone to bed on time, and gotten other small things done. (I can weave chain and paint while I’m sick and waiting for my zoo money to build up, after all.) I didn’t, and His punishment this time was physically painful. I have the first item for my Toybag of Hateful Things, you see – a pair of clover clamps that Kit and I picked up a few years back. They’re too much for me to use for play, but we never got rid of them either.
Last night, He Told me to put them on. Then He Told me to sit up straight.
Pain. I wanted to take them back off right away, and I wasn’t allowed to. They weren’t on long, mind – less than a minute, probably – but it was long enough. The straighter I sat, the more they pulled, and the more it hurt. When He let me take them off, my shoulders collapsed inwards and I dropped my head onto my altar, whimpering. It wasn’t long before He started playing with my shields (His favorite way to mess with me), then inside that gap He made in my chest. It was intense, and loving, and confused my head a bit. It all left me tired, a little meek, a little cranky, and a little restless. Rest didn’t come until after 11:30, and I feel like I spent most of the night waking up.
My alarm (reset at His urging or my guilt, not sure which) went off at 5:00 this morning. I shut it off, dragged myself out of bed, washed, and sat before my altar again. To my surprised, Danu spoke. She asked me to hold Her representation while She talked. There were some interesting words and instructions – nothing I can really wrap my head around to repeat. He popped in a little bit, but mostly it was a conversation with Her.
I was allowed back to bed until 6:00 (maybe a half-hour more) when I had to get up for work.
He’s being terrifyingly patient. I’m not sure why. I’m such a petulant, stubborn, careless thing sometimes.
I’m tired. I’m afraid. I’m confused. I’m in love.
Life is so strange right now, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.