Not everything on this path, or even on the path to contentment and living authentically, is happy-fun-times.
Right this minute, as I write this, I am angry.
I am angry with myself. I am angry with my Gods. I am angry at kind of everything, even if there’s no reason. I’m simply angry.
I’m angry that I can’t seem to resist eating fucking junk when it’s presented my way. I’m angry that I can’t get off my ass and move so that I can be as strong and healthy as I need to be. I am angry that I can’t get out the hard thoughts that I need to write out. I’m angry that Cernunnos has chosen me, is putting me through all of this. I’m angry that I have to face things I am so fucking terrified of that I can’t even look at them without fear. I’m angry because I don’t know if the extra fear is intended on Their part, or if They’re fucking with my head, or if They’re trying to help and I’m turning it into a mountain way before I need to (and I’m angry that I do that too).
I’m angry that the closer it gets to my Ordeal, the harder I have to fight not to detach, because I am so frightened of what’s coming, and of what I don’t know.
I’m angry that I’m not a better Pagan, a better human being, a better slave-in-training. I’m angry because I feel like a failure and a fraud so often, even when others tell me I’m not.
I’m angry that I’m angry. And I’m angry that I love Him so much that the idea of removing my training collar and giving up is pain equal to the very idea of leaving my beloved Kit.
I’m angry to the point of tears, just shy of throwing things.
My rational mind can explain some of it, but not all of it. I am simply angry.
I’m trying very hard not to lash out or blame. It’s not Kit’s fault; it’s not my boys’ fault. Cernunnos opened the door, yes, but I chose to walk through it.
I’m not even collared yet. I’m not even really Working yet. I’ve just gotten started. The hardest is yet to come. And I am this angry now.
I am terrified for the future. He tries to soothe, tries to comfort, gentle because I am trying not to blame, but I’m so angry I can barely hear Him.
I am ready to cry from fear.
Tomorrow I will be better. In the daylight, the world will return to some semblance of balance and I will be able to be calm. But for now, I am angry and scared and just want to curl up and sob and be held by Him.