A recent request from Him shed a little light on the dual dynamics of my relationship with Him. And like many other things on this path, it’s thrown me for a little bit of a loop.
He asked for “time,” which means super-sexy-fun-time. I was exhausted and not feeling great, first of all, which immediately makes me balk no matter W/who’s asking. The boys were home, too, and Kit expressed some understandable frustration. I started stalling, my head spinning with just plain tired, and it was hard to Hear.
As I was washing up – a task that lets me disengage a little in its mundane monotony – He got through again. If your whole heart isn’t in it, I don’t want it.
That worried me enough to help me focus, and He continued.
In this you have a say. This is love, not service.
There was a good bit more to the discussion, but it boils down to this: His requests for time are not based in O/our service relationship. It’s based in the Lover relationship. He asks for time because He loves me, and if I’m not going to spend that time willingly, with my whole heart, for whatever reason, He’d rather I say no and tell him why. It might mean a more crowded bed for the night, because if I say no, then He wants to snuggle. That’s something that all parties can handle, because snuggling with my L/lovers means not neglecting either of T/them.
Will there be times He insists on time as service? Possibly. It’s up to me to figure out which is which (although He has also expressed that He would say so). Can I pull the headache/tired excuse every time He asks when it’s inconvenient? No; it’s not fair of me to do that to Kit or to Him. Do I need to initiate time with Him? That would be nice, He says dryly. But, to quote Melanie Fiona, “Give it to me right, or don’t give it to me at all.”
You have to communicate with Me, He says. Don’t blindly do just because it is Me asking. I don’t want an automaton.
I seem to need a lot of reminders on that particular point…