Tomorrow is the last day of February – the 29th this year. Long year.
It marks the first “true” anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. He would find it amusing, this marking of the first anniversary of an event that occurred four years ago.
It marks two months before I turn 28.
It marks two months before my Ordeal is pretty much here.
I have a lot to do, a lot to say, and my precious words keep failing me. He is ever-present lately, as is (surprising to me) Danu. She has spoken more to me in the past couple of weeks than She has in ten years. Tennis matches in my head sometimes.
Things are falling into place here and there. My sleep schedule is changing again, in odd ways. I’ve been Told of certain tasks and tests coming down the line – months and years away. I blew out all of my anger last week and am left somewhat bewildered. I have things to study, things to learn, and it’s becoming a little bit of a jumble.
Two journal entries sit in my drafts, difficult subjects both, that I have to finish, soon soon. A project sits under my altar, with a concept in mind but action needed to finish it, soon soon. Items need to be procured, soon soon. I have appointments to make, appointments scheduled, coming soon soon.
Soon is a very funny word if you say it enough times.
Fear is ever-present too, a hum in the back of my head, day in, day out. I don’t know exactly what’s coming. I don’t know precisely the when, or the how, or the ways. The not knowing gnaws and feeds the fear.
All I can do is breathe and do my work. Refocus. Recenter. Readjust. Breathe.