“There is no right way. You serve Me the way I need you to, and I will let you know when you are wrong. You are not allowed to assume disappointment or failure until I tell you that you have failed – which so far you have not. Been trying at times, yes. Needed more guidance or correction, yes. But not failed. Not ‘made a hash of.’ Not disappointed Me. Human limits I can work with. Human hubris I will not, so make no assumptions of My views.”
“The decision is Mine. Stop resisting.”
I got these messages last week, one after the other. One was direct to me; the other came to me from a friend from whom I would not have expected it.
In the months since Twilight Covening, I have been trying to write an entry I titled “Ownership and Value.” I’ve been failing miserably, but the thing that stands out is what a friend sent to me not long after I came home and talked to them.
Remember, too, that Ownership is not the only thing that the Collar denotes.
It also implies Protection.
“This One is Mine, a Precious One, to be Protected and Cultivated.”
He’s been telling me from the beginning. Yes, it’s my choice to go forward, and I have chosen to go forward, but it is His choice to have me as His slave. It is His choice to have me as His lover. He chose me, and my second-guessing Him – even as hard as I’m trying not to – is starting to grate.
I always seem to need to know why. “Why do you love me?” I used to ask Kit nearly every day, before I got help. I’m applying a similar question to Cernunnos at times, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. “Why me? I’m lousy slave material.” I think it’s starting to piss Him off. He is patient, but not pandering.
That second-guessing and resistance is why I need this Ordeal.
A month from yesterday, I turn 28. Four days after that, I Ordeal. Failure is not an option for me. I keep telling myself that, keep berating myself for procrastinating, and yet still procrastinate. I have shit to do, man. I have things to finish, and am rapidly running out of time to finish them.
I make no sense, even to myself.