I had long discussions with Kit and my Aftercare Leader (AL) last night about some recent developments that have me frightened. Details aren’t important; let’s just say some things are happening that have me worried.
It brings up something I struggle with a LOT, though – my desire for my friends to be healthy and well, and the selfish little “what about me?” voice. I know it’s not unique to me; we all have those moments. But it makes me nuts, this little internal fight. I honestly want my friends to be well and do well and take care of their priorities. But if something is planned – something as measly as a casual afternoon or some such – and they have to cancel, there is a little part of me that says, “but what about me?”
I hate that part of me. Hate. I’ve long said that I am a selfish brat; I’ve thankfully had to change that in recent years, but that little voice seems to bring it right back home. There are plenty of reasons I could put forth as to why I have that little voice, but nothing in the world explains it away for me. I hate that little voice and want it to go away forever.
That’s not to say that people don’t occasionally need to be selfish. Taking time for oneself is the first step of self-care, after all. Giving oneself time to heal from a sickness, or time to take care of needs and priorities and health are all vitally important. We all forget that too much. I can understand that, and I actively encourage it.
But that little voice? It’s not just selfish. It’s petulant. “What about me?” Well, what about you, you damn little petulant selfish child? You are not the center of the universe. You are not the be-all and end-all. Sometimes I think, “You’re damn lucky to have the friends and family and life that you do, so shut up and be GRATEFUL.”
So I fight it very, very hard. I try to be patient and understanding. Normally I’m successful, because I want to be a good friend and a good person. But sometimes that damned voice pops up and I just want to kill it. *growlsnapsnarl*
Apparently it makes me turn into a Great Growly Oogly Boogly or something. Grr. Arrgh. Brains. ‘N stuff.