T-minus 20 days: The saddest thing about this path, I think, is how much it distances me from my blood family, especially on my mother’s side. And this started well before the Ordeals began.
My mother and I are both very alike and very different. Her life now is mostly her pets, television, and Facebook. She wavers between tolerant and intolerant, and doesn’t even want to hear me say the word fetish in reference to a shoe obsession or small figurine, much less what its normal context is for me. My uncle is easygoing, and a couple of my cousins are very liberal for the family, but my aunt and her youngest daughter are of the opinion that, if it’s outside their experience, it’s weird. And there are a lot of things outside their experience – including me.
I had lunch with my mother and that cousin yesterday. My mother… I have little to reference with her. My cousin… well… she’s kind of not there, if that makes sense, and it’s even harder for me to relate to her. It just hit home that ten years and very different lives do not make for easy family relations. *sigh*
T-minus 19 days: I’ve mentioned before (ad nauseam) that I’ve never considered myself submissive, much less slave material. My relationship with Kit is as equals; my play relationship with others is Top/bottom only, with maybe some dominant tendencies. I’ve been curious about it, but never really felt the need to dominate, submit to or serve anyone.
While I worry about making Him proud, and representing Him well, not once since I have learned about being collared have I doubted that it’s right. Do I still have doubts about how well I’ll do, or worries that I will be a poor slave to Him? Yes, many. But do I doubt that being His collared slave is the wrong path? No. This is one of the few times in my life where I know I’m walking in the right direction. (The others? Seeking therapy and marrying Kit.)