Fridays seem to be His days. I listen to the Pandora station I have set up for Him all day at work. <rawk out headbang> And He’s still asking for a date night before W/we get to Ordeal.
Which makes me think. There have been thoughts expressed to me about doing this to hold the status quo, so to speak. (Yes, I heard about that, and no, I’m not bothered by it. 🙂 ) I can’t say what would have happened if I had said no thank you when I first was presented with the idea of His collar. I don’t know if W/we’d still be lovers; I don’t know how my perspective and practice would have changed without accepting the training. It’s a path I didn’t take, and we never know the paths we don’t take.
But here’s the thing. If I were to walk away right now, cancel the Ordeal, take off my training collar, I wouldn’t be punished for it (although it would inconvenience a hell of a lot of people). Would O/our relationship change? Most certainly. Would He eventually leave? He might, if I were to become inattentive again. And so would the O/others (except maybe Tamalut, because she’s a stubborn Kabyle). But would it be punishment for walking away? No.
I’ve written a lot about my fears over the past few months, because the Ordeal inspires that more than anything (it’s supposed to), and that’s my immediate concern at the moment. But my relationship with Him is not *based* on fear at all. He’s not threatening to leave me forever if I fail my Ordeal, but there are consequences for failure that *have* to bring home the importance of this. Does He get angry? Yes. Does He assign consequences for actions that go against things to which W/we have agreed? Of course. It’s the way O/our dynamic works. Yes, He loves me. Yes, He wants to possess me, to own me, and has Work for me to do. And while it’s not something I ever would have guessed for myself… I want that, because I love Him too. He is gentle and loving and kind, He is harsh and fierce and wild. That is comforting and thrilling and terrifying and fascinating all at once. I never, *never* questioned the rightness of the collar, not from the first. Did I rail against the Ordeal in fear and panic? Yes. Have I made sour mention of how damned inconvenient all of this is? Yes. But never did I question that it is the right path for me.
I guess that’s the best way I can explain why I’m doing this. I love and need Cernunnos as much as I love and need Kit. There are only a few things that have felt as right to me than this, so, in spite of all my fears (or would that be because of them?), onward I go.
Besides, everything worth doing is on the other side of fear. 🙂