Having been in the scene for six years now, I’ve lost shame about a lot of things. I’m not nearly so body-conscious in a dungeon as I once was. I have fewer challenges reacting and letting go during a scene. I’ve had sex in semi-public (if you count our tent at an event).
One of the last vestiges of sexual shame I have is masturbation. It’s something required by Him in my “regular, intense devotions;” in my first conversation with my OM, they told me that that point was very specific.
Well, this presents a bit of a challenge. First, I have only ever masturbated with toys or objects – a vibrator, the shower head, and so forth. Something He is pushing me towards is touching my own bits. There’s no rush to it, but a little at a time, I have to make the effort. There’s a combination of shame and “yuck” thought that remains from societal influences. (One of my brief nicknames in middle school was Master Bater; I was naive enough not to know what that meant and stood nodding for a moment until someone snickered. Even my friends thought it was funny, and in hindsight, it was. At the time, I was mortified.)
Second – and more challenging still – is that I feel awkward doing so when anyone is home. Because of work and school schedules, I might be alone after work for 10 or 15 minutes before two teenagers (my youngest and his best friend) come barreling in the door. (Yes, I’ve closed the bedroom door and put up a Do Not Disturb sign. They are teenagers, and therefore selectively blind.) Even worse if Kit is home; I don’t like kicking him out of the room for it, and it’s nearly impossible for me if he’s in the room, no matter why I’m doing it.
It is, in all honesty, a ridiculous thing to be phobic about. I’ve said it before: How can anyone else please you if you don’t know what you like? How can you detect abnormalities if you don’t know what normal feels like? And yet, the embarrassment stands.
As my Ordeal draws ever closer, He is becoming at once more peaceful and gentle, and more possessive and fierce. Tonight He took me by surprise in the shower; it was hot, it was breathtaking, and it was absolute possession. “You are Mine, and I will have you now.” I wasn’t alone in the house and struggled to be quiet while still feeling, something with which I have always had trouble.
And as time passes, I get the feeling that I will not be allowed shame – in my path, in O/our relationship, and especially in sex. I have no doubt I will run up against it again, but I will be expected to work through it, as I am (slowly) working through this challenge.
Although I have to say… His asking for a light-up dildo is not helping much. 😛