We finish shopping, prepping, and packing today, and tomorrow morning we leave.
Had a long, good conversation with my OM yesterday afternoon. Did it bring up the fear again? Yes. Almost got to tears, in fact. And I found that a good thing, because with all the mundane stuff I’ve been worrying about the past couple of days, it was good to know I haven’t disengaged or tuned out entirely.
I was asked later by a friend: What is my greatest fear in this? My first answer was failure, so they asked for the second. My answer was humiliation. And it’s very easy to embarrass me. Talking in front of people I don’t know; messing up in front of people I don’t know and people I respect; being exposed. Those are the surface fears; I’m sure there’s more beneath. It certainly makes me think.
But I think – I believe – that it’s worth it. I believe that, if I succeed, the path ahead will be hard, inconvenient, surprising, touching, and utterly rewarding. I believe that I will grow, and learn, be a better partner to Kit and to Cernunnos, be a better Pagan, be a better person. It won’t be easy. It won’t suddenly happen with a snap of the lock. But I’m willing to walk that path with Him. I want to walk that path with Him. I want to serve and love Him. So in the end… it’s worth it.