So being a lover of Cernunnos is a massive challenge. In so many ways, but at the moment I’m keenly feeling the lack of touch.
This isn’t to say I can’t feel Him. He can be very compelling. I can feel His contact as energy, as pressure, with different intentions and intensities. I’m learning to discern what each means – a bite, a touch, a thrust, a strike. It can be wonderful, intense, comforting, or painful.
But it’s not touch. And that’s where the challenge comes in.
I’m a very, very physical person. I love touch. Hugs, snuggles, caresses… skin-to-skin contact is just wonderful to me. It’s one of the few aspects of being social that is not draining. I’m very fortunate in that I have a corporeal partner; I know of other god-spouses and -consorts who have no such option. But it doesn’t make it easier when spending time with Him.
Some of the processing I did on Friday night involved this very thing. When I love someone, I tend to touch them more often – hugs, a hand on a shoulder, snuggling, petting hair, patting a knee, rubbing a back. Platonic or romantic, touch is one of those things I do that demonstrates how I feel about a person.
I love Him, and I can’t touch Him.
On Friday night, the frustration of it made me cry.
He was distressed. I’m not sure I’ve ever known Him to be so. He said, “Feel Me in the wind. Feel Me in the leaves. Feel Me in the things around you. That is My touch. That is how you touch Me.”
After that, the Black Cloud hit, and I couldn’t reach Him through the interference. I’ve just started coming out of it, really wanting time with Him, needing time with Him.
Yesterday, walking home from work, I felt a drop on my lower lip. Two more touched my forehead. Another touched my lip again.
It was a bright, sunny day. Rain on a sunny day isn’t unheard of… but there were no drops on the old pages of the book I read, nor any on the delicate fabric of the shirt I wore.
I felt kissed, and I felt comforted.
Today I can feel Him stirring, present, and I am relieved. It is not the end of frustration, but it is the beginning of a resolution.
Query the hive mind: How do other consorts and spouses cope with the lack of touch from their Lovers and Spouses?