Because I’ve been hiding.
Being the ridiculous human being I can
sometimes often be, I’ve spent the better part of my “adjustment period” hiding. In books. In games. In naps. I’ve done a few devotional things, had two date nights with Himself, and had some good times with Kit. But otherwise… I have been hiding.
Kit keeps reminding me. Himself keeps knocking Kit on the head, because His attempts to knock me on the head probably come back resoundingly hollow.
This weekend it reached a bit of a head. I had played a video game during just about every free moment through the week, and again through the weekend. Kit had asked for some us time – just us being together, nothing unreasonable – and I had been careless. Himself was whacking Kit to get me in front of my altar, which results in headaches for Kit and usually not a little frustration for both of T/them when I sink back into whatever I’m doing.
And yes, I am fully aware that this should not be necessary. I’m no child. I’m an adult, supposed to be responsible for my own shit. I am able to say, “One hour,” and shut off the game after an hour – I proved that to myself this weekend at one point. Instead, I berated myself and sank further into the game and books to try and distract myself from my own brain hitting me on the head to stop it.
I’ve been hiding. From what, I don’t know.
I did get in front of my altar last night – after having sat on my foot in such a way that I hurt myself pretty badly (I could barely walk). Through the pain, I could hear Him clearer than I have let myself Hear in weeks.
I’m not angry.
Could’ve knocked me over with a feather at that one.
I am not angry. I am hurt. I am worried about you.
I put my head down on my altar and winced.
Stop berating yourself. The foot is not a punishment from Me; not everything is so cosmic. You hurt yourself playing a silly game; you sat too long. But I am worried about you. He is worried about you. Now go rest your foot and spend some time with your husband.
I am a grown-up. I am a godslave. My brain keeps trying to remind me of that. My husband and my Sir keep trying to remind me of that; they have been infinitelypatient. They shouldn’t have to. I know that; I have to get off my ass and put it into practice. No one else can do it for me.
Just because I’ve now earned His collar doesn’t mean life’s problems are suddenly solved. It doesn’t mean things suddenly get easier. They seem harder at the moment – partly because I’ve made them harder for myself than they have to be. Berating myself never does anything productive; it certainly isn’t now. So it’s up to me to live up to my commitments – to Him, to Kit, to my family and Community, to me.
To end this meandering thing on a positive note: I have been keeping up with the “get healthy” challenge. We’re back to meal planning; I’m still tracking; I’m still losing weight. I’m on my moon right now and at my lowest weight in three years (at a time when I’m usually bloated and heavy). I’m doing something right; it’s a good jumping-off point to get the other things started.