Last night, while Kit was out drumming, Cernunnos and I spent some quiet time together. I read a book for a while, listened to music, and then lay flat on the bed while W/we talked. It was a lovely reconnect, and an opportunity to ask a question that’s been playing on my mind – one I’m not allowed to ask during O/our date nights.
“Why a slave?”
He seemed to struggle with the answer, as if there was something He couldn’t express, and what came through was more feeling than words. I am more than what is popular, was the message, best I could understand. A God of the Hunt who only abstractly hunts. A God of Nature and Animals… without the dark parts. I need one who is so devoted as to embrace the dark parts, be the dark parts… be Me, sometimes, for all the aspects of Me. Someone who loves and will serve all of those parts of Me, in more than just the abstract. Beyond that He seemed unable to say, and simply touched and was with me until I fell asleep.
I have seen His darkness, faced His hard edge in the night, been beneath His feet. I have felt His wrath and am His possession, to do with what He wills. I will learn to hunt, to take those in His care over the Hedge, be elbow-deep in blood, all in His name and His service. I will love Him as He dies, and mourn His passing every year. It is my pleasure as His lover, my duty as His slave.
So I understand, if only just. It’s not the entire answer; He is not beholden to me to answer anything, after all. But it’s a beginning, and it helps to ease that question in my mind.
Today I feel better than I have in a while. Today I have been productive and calm, and He is with me.