On the way home from a wonderful dinner with friends – all of whom are kinky and woo to some extent (my people!!!) – I had one of those talks with Kit that kind of go BOOM in my head.
I love Kit. He’s my partner, my husband, my friend. He doesn’t give himself enough credit for being the fantastic human being and spirit worker that he is. I called him out on it again last night, and he said, “I’m not supposed to shine.”
I held his hand tightly and didn’t say anything, although I was thinking that it wasn’t fair.
And, of course, he just about read my mind. “It’s not about fairness. I’m one of Raven’s. Unseen. I disappear. I’m not supposed to shine. You are.”
That startled me a little bit, although I don’t think I looked up. “I don’t want to shine.”
“As lover to a God, you are supposed to shine. Especially… ” He chuckled. “Especially to One like Cernunnos. ‘I don’t want to’ is not an argument anymore, not an excuse anymore.”
Ever have one of those moments? The kind where you just want to grab your hair and scream, because you know someone is right but you don’t want to admit it?
After everything I’ve already been through, this is one thing that keeps nagging at me that I do not want to acknowledge. I don’t want to shine. I like living my quiet life. But that, in some ways, is over.
I’ve already signed on the dotted line, knowing full well that earning His collar was just the start, that my life would change. My fussing now is pure petulance, especially now that the Tasks are starting to come.
My “adjustment period” is a month behind. I have another opportunity for processing coming in October at Twilight Covening (which is an ideal place for me to process the year). After that, I have no more room for petulance. Not because He has expressly said so, but because I know it to be so… even if I don’t want to admit it. I will have to step up and let myself shine.
Note: There’s been a lot of this over the past few months, the pulling and pushing and resisting and the like… but don’t take it to mean that I am on this path unwillingly. I tend to call myself a “walking oxymoron;” I am about as contrary as they come. Plus, we doesn’t likes change, precious – even if I’m the one proposing it, I’m usually the first to fight it too. I love my Sir and want to serve Him. I also like my comfortable cave. So yes. I’m weird. But I’m getting there.
And He says: The more you procrastinate and fight, the more whisky I’ll have you drink. Have I mentioned I’m not a whisky drinker? I tend to look kinda funny when I drink it.