I passed my Ordeal and earned His collar more than six months ago now. Things have been interesting since then – changed and not changed. One might even think the hard part is over.
Oh, hell no it’s not. It’s just beginning.
I’m collared and in service, but I’m still me – with all the faults and foibles and bad habits that implies. And since He is quiet, it would be very, very easy to indulge in those bad habits. The game addiction; the bad foods; the pulling away. On the flip side, there’s also a little doubt – He’s not here for me to ask permission, so what do I do?
As far as the bad habits go, I have slipped a bit, but am catching myself. Kit and I are working together to get back to eating properly, even with all the looming holiday treats. We’re working together on my bad days too, identifying what causes them (if it’s anything in particular) and coping mechanisms to get me through, even if it means I spend a few hours listening to P!nk and zoning while he’s out of the house. I’m learning to state when I’m not okay, even if I don’t know why, and that’s helping.
The worst is the games. With the computer Kit and I bought for the business(es), I installed Sims 3, ostensibly to check the processor (which is awesome). Yesterday, with a slow post-holiday workday, I started installing Big Fish game demos. These are two of my most vulnerable points. It’s easy for me to zone out in front of the Sims for hours, and even easier for me to blow our money on the hidden object games that are my favorite. I’m working to mitigate that. I have to do something while I’m playing the Sims (like fold laundry, or get up and wash dishes, or vacuum), which keeps me from both losing all my time or going all White Tornado CLEAN ALL THE THINGS on my family. Also, I’m not buying any new games from Big Fish, and free demos last no more than an hour. It’s not perfect, but it’s a good start, and it’s something He’s wanted me to work on (He never wanted everything gone, just for me to have some self-control).
As far as the doubt, it hit me rather unexpectedly when heading to a get-together with kinky friends. I always ask Him if I’m allowed to play… and He’s not there to ask. But there was an unspoken agreement that, if I do play, there’s no touching of netherbits – that’s for Him and Kit alone. And really… He and Kit both enjoy it when I enjoy myself. They always have. He never has barred me from play, even the night before my Ordeal, so why would I feel the need to bar myself? So I played; I drew O/our line; I had fun and I felt better about it all.
It would be so, so easy, since He is not here, to fall back. Not that He would never know, but it’s the “cat’s away, mouse will play” mentality. But I feel that if I do, I’ll disappoint Him so, and disappoint Kit so, and between the two… I don’t want to. Disappointment is so much worse than anger, and I want to make T/them proud.
So I fight the old habits. I celebrate my successes, I learn from my falls, and I work with T/them to make me better, for all our sakes.
I miss You, Sir. And I plan to make You proud of me while You’re gone.