I subscribe to the blogs of several excellent, knowledgeable people (most of which can be found in my sidebar), and WordPress e-mails me when they update. Today I received one from Twilight and Fire, who re-blogged an amazing entry by Wytch of the North.
One paragraph hit me hardest:
[F]or its very existence a deity marriage requires that you remain open, constantly, to your divine Spouse. […] [E]verytime you feel your heart begin to close against Them even the tiniest bit–through anger, complacency, disappointment, pain, or any other cause–you will need to willfully rip it open again in any way you can, once more offering Them the core of who you are, laid bare and bloodied before Them; and this is not something you will have to do once or twice but repeatedly, every time that wound begins to scab over again. […] [T]his raw openness allows your Beloved direct access to your heart–which is no longer, strictly speaking, yours but Theirs–and if you love Them, if you truly love Them, if your commitment was made cleanly and for all the right reasons, then the results of this painful process will be a source of unending joy for you that I cannot even begin to describe.
“Timely” is not the word.
One of the hardest parts of being slave and lover to a Deity who is (in the simplest terms) unavailable for three months of the year is staying open. If I am going to be completely honest, I haven’t done a very good job of it. And while the subject of the post is spouses and potential spouses, it applies here.
One of the things I remember most clearly about my collaring Ordeal is when I finally opened up. It was physical – I tore at my heart with my fingernails, as if to open a hole in my flesh. I have fought to keep that opening since – sometimes not as hard as I should – and I have not fought very hard over the cold months. Kit has felt the brunt of it; I have apologies and amends to make to him as well as to Sir.
With just a month left before He returns to youth, the reminder is timely. I have no illusions that He doesn’t know what has transpired over the winter; just because I can’t communicate with Him doesn’t mean He is blind or deaf. His presence is growing stronger (and laughs a lot). I am looking forward to His return and dreading it a little too – for reasons that were entirely preventable had I been just a little more mindful.
Awareness is the first step. The next one is action. Looks like I have one to take.