A concept caught my eye today that sparked off a thought in my head: the concept of humility in service. Further to that, the concept of humility versus reluctance. This might ramble a little bit, because the whole concept is clear in my head, but hard to explain.
We all know by now that I walk an unusual path. It’s one I must walk in public as much as possible. It’s one which I have to be able to discuss calmly, intelligently, and reasonably, one to which my name will be attached. The dialogue about religion, spirituality, and the various paths within them – including controversial ones like mine – continues, in some cases grows, and puts the people following them right in the center.
That is one aspect of my path, and my geas, with which I continue to have a hard time. I’ve learned to like a quiet life. I grew out of much of my “look at me!” needs a few years before my Motherhood Ordeal. I like to be heard when I have something to say, but otherwise, my quiet corner is a very attractive one. Now I am being, with increasing frequency, evicted from my cozy spot and shoved onstage. Every time a little something happens – a jump in blog hits, recognition on the business, a compliment on my Work or my art, another idea for a workshop – Kit says, “Shine on, Rock Star.”
My initial, visceral reaction to this?
Aw HELL naw. “Not a rock star,” I grumble.
And that is where humility crashes into reluctance.
Humility is defined as “the quality of being modest and respectful,” to be grounded, to be humble. I am in service to Cernunnos and, through the Work given to me by Him, in service to my community. If I am meant to be be nameless and given no thanks by the community I serve, then I would do so because that is His desire for me. If I am meant to be known, however much or little, for the Work I do in His service, then I will do so – not for acclaim or recognition, and without animosity or complaint – because that is His desire for me.
But humility does not mean disclaiming one’s responsibilities or role, and that is precisely what my visceral reaction is doing. I have been reminded – more than once – that I am meant to shine. That’s not to say I get to act like a total raging entitlement bitch. No thanks. But I also don’t have the luxury of hiding in my comfortable little hole just because there’s a spotlight out there. I have to make the best of it, be responsible about it, and do my Work with people watching. To disclaim it, to grumble about the light, is insulting and even hurtful to Him, to what He has given and what I have earned.
This is especially fitting because today I lead my first ritual, in front of practitioners I respect and call friend. I have resisted this for a long time. I’ve never wanted to be a leader, either in mundane life or in spiritual life. I’ve never wanted that responsibility, or to face the embarrassment of screwing up in front of others. Deep down, long ago, I knew that one day it would catch up with me, but I still ran, not realizing then that I had The Master Hunter on my heels.
I’ve been caught. One day, you will be too – you crazy diamonds in the rough, you.
So shine on, rock stars.