The first anniversary of my collar approaches. How time has flown! Kit and I are preparing to go to that Beltane festival once again, our fifth(?) year attending. Last year was colored much by the coming Ordeals. This year I can’t wait to go. But it got me thinking about sacrifices… and gains.
In the six months before my Ordeal, gave up video games almost entirely. Being that they were my primary means of relaxation, that was a bit of a big deal. I gave up choice in my hairstyle, wearing it almost exclusively in a braid of some sort unless otherwise given permission. (I still do this, these days for comfort.) I gave Him time on a regular basis, served His needs, listened to His instructions and words. And He sacrificed too, staying awake during the winter to guide me when He would normally be on the other side of the Hedge.
The night of my Ordeal, I sacrificed myself, but I sacrificed other things too. I sacrificed time with Kit – Beltane had always been our time, and now it’s O/our time. In wearing the items I did, I also took concepts with me. The $50 thong I bought just for the Ordeal was cut off and burned in the fire, a serious sacrifice to a budget-minded bull like me. The perfectly-fitting corset I wore was cut away, something I found beautiful. The robe I wore over top was a gift from Kit, bought during our first Beltane, sentimental and cherished. While the corset and robe were returned to me the next day, I walked into that Ordeal expecting to lose all the items I wore forever. I gave up a lot of pride and ego being used in the ways He did. I sacrificed these things to Him, and He rewarded me by returning what He could.
Since then, I have given up time and money to pursue O/our businesses, to make them successful and turn them into a doorway for other Work that He would have me (and Kit) do. As much as I would like to hack off all my hair some days, I am not permitted to; I have given those choices over to Him. I have twisted my tongue to speak more correctly, as He desires, backtracking on my own words and futzing out my brain as I adjust. And there is more to come.
But in the process, I have gained so much.
I have His love, protection, and patience, among other things. My relationship with Kit is still going strong, if not stronger. As good as my life was before, it’s better now – richer in life and experience, more colorful, more meaningful. The little joys make me smile so much broader than they used to, and the little irritations aren’t bothering me quite so much. It is not by any means perfect. It certainly isn’t easy. I still have massive day job frustrations. I am still mother to some amazing but often exasperating Mediterranean boys. Kit and I both still have our bad days, sometimes together, as do Sir and I. But it is right, and good, and wonderful more than it isn’t.
This Beltane, I might visit the space where I earned His collar. I might pick up a new toy for Him and I. But I will enjoy U/us – all of U/us – and celebrate His return to power as my 29th year begins among friends and those whom I love.
Blessed Beltane, all. May you find something about which to be joyous.