Sometimes it’s the most seemingly-mundane that teaches us the best lessons.
Sacred Space just passed, and one of the things I have been most looking forward to was a trade I’d offered and agreed to months ago. I had a friend commission a piece that she hadn’t been able to send the funds for. She’s a massage therapist, and I had never ever had a professional massage.
Barter is alive and well, my friends, and I love it.
Thursday night I went up to the Healer’s Room, kind of nervous (because new thing) and super excited. And while she was working on me, I learned something very important.
I have a very hard time letting go.
This lesson has been coming for a while, and been creeping up noticeably in the past few weeks. Kit and I have been going to Al-Anon (long story short, our youngest is in substance abuse counseling). One of their big things is, “Let go and let God.” Imbolc came and went, and He’s a youth now, poking at me here and there. Both He and Danu my Mother have been pinging me on this front, every time we go to a meeting. And on the massage table, it came home.
Here’s my friend, doing what she’s excellent at, doing what she’s trained to do, and I realize that I’m not really letting her do it. She’s moving me around on the table; I’m trying to help, and that’s not my job. My job, as her client, is to relax and let her work (and Work). But while she’s trying to get my shoulders to open up and move, I’m bracing my legs and arms to try to be helpful and tensing right back up, which just makes her job harder.
I’m so in control of things sometimes. I run my department at the day job. I run our household budget. I keep our schedule. I run our business. So when it comes time to drop that control – even when I know I’m safe – I have a difficult time.
This is why the details of my Collaring Ordeal were kept a secret from me. This is why the fickle Folk are part of my life. This is why Sir so often takes me by surprise. This is why sex and play can be so difficult for me. This is why I hold on to grudges and stress so damn hard. Because while I wouldn’t consider myself controlling, I am very accustomed to being in control, especially of myself and my surroundings, and when something upsets that, it irks me and I don’t let go of that irritation. Even when that something is beneficial to me, ridiculously enough.
I could blame my mother (who is an expert at holding grudges). I could blame the fact that I’m a double Taurus and Leo is my rising sign. But all of that just wastes energy and solves nothing.
Letting go is hard.
To be that healthy, whole person I swore to be at Yule, I need to learn how to let go.
One day at a time, right?