Twilight Covening comes again.

I have missed it for the past two years. Now that things are stabilizing financially (thanks to Kit’s new job), I am going back to Twilight Covening.

Of late, I have been utterly overwhelmed by Life. This, if you’ve been around for a while, is not unusual. We’re still in the midst of the House Saga (very close to actually buying it now, thanks to family help). There’s still stuff to unpack, because my nerves about being able to stay kept me from unpacking much more. We’ve had a plumbing problem in the kitchen that we might (might) have finally solved. And add to that doctor stuff, anxiety stuff, day-to-day responsibilities, and business stuff, and BOOM. There goes the spiritual life again.

I feel like one of the weirdest godslaves ever, really.

I did manage Ganeshotsav this year, good and proper, including the nose piercing I still owed Him. And we finally got the main altars set up. That all helped immensely.

But going back to Twilight Covening is a relief… and utterly nerve-wracking.

The selection process was shockingly easy for me. And I got my first choice – Kodiak, which is built to help us learn to nourish our Work and our Selves. This is part of why I’m relieved, because yet again, I’m restless and exhausted and way too often on the edge of burnout.

No, I didn’t keep up with yoga. No, I didn’t keep imced or the Fool in balance. No, I didn’t keep any of the lessons I learned at my last Twilight in 2013. I’ve let Life overwhelm me again, and over and over again let me berate myself for being a lazy Pagan and a bad godslave and everything else, which is a cycle that is really terrible, honestly, and you shouldn’t do that and neither should I, but welcome to my brain.

So I need this. I need this badly, and Kit’s insistence that I go, that I use part of his hard-earned first paycheck to register, is a relief.

But I’ve missed two years of the mountain. And going back after being away from anything so long makes me nervous as hell. I’m back to being that, “Oh no, trying new things, help?” person, at least for the moment.

Sir is quiet. Danu my Mother is quiet. Ganesha my Cousin is quiet. The Folk and Redwing and Raven (who has more say in my life these days), and Tamalut… they wait. Not to see what I’ll do, not to see if I’ll fail. They wait for me to learn and to grow and to find my way out of the hole I keep putting myself in. They set the path. I need to turn my feet to walk it more often, and more consistently. For my own health; for my own heart; for my own healing.

So back I go. Back to the cold stone, the warm leaves, the high mountain, the low sky. Back I go.

Random bits.

The whirlwind continues, although it’s finally starting to even out. A few bits and pieces have come up this past month. These are just random thoughts, not necessarily related.

– My Kit is out of the state at the moment, working for the next three weeks with his old employer. His first day, yesterday, was 17 hours long. I haven’t been able to talk to him much, but if the next three weeks go like yesterday did, we’ll have a nice little cushion and start to the down payment on the house.

– Sir passed on Saturday. There is a hum, a buzz where His voice normally is. Usually it’s completely silent. In the days before Samhain, He was particularly talkative, especially as I led a chant during a ritual on the 30th. (I can’t tell you how nervous I was.)

– The Folk around our new home have raised their little heads, especially as much fog as there has been the past few weeks. They’re curious about me. This morning they tried to be tricksy in my head and I was having none of it. Mother Danu made motion too; they quieted down after that (with some giggling). Their House will be one of the things I pick up from J’s house this week.

– I am going through the next three weeks without my partner or my Lover. Friends are popping up with invitations for dinner and offers to come by, because I do tend to become a hermit by myself. Meanwhile, I’m channeling some of the lonely restlessness. I started the first part of the garden I’ve been planning – the compost basket for the center – and have gotten a few things organized around the house. I have plans to make some freezer meals this week – cook a dinner meant for six, eat a portion, pack a portion for lunch, freeze the rest. There are still boxes to move from J’s place, which I’m working on this week, and so many things to unpack.

– I’ll be at Festival of Light in Berkeley Springs in a week and a half, with our partner D to help me at the table (because she’s awesome), and I have my very first presentation on the Kabyle that weekend. Plus readings. Plus stock. And I have to finish a set of Stones and order a couple of fresh copies of the books.

– The cats keep crawling all over me at night, because Daddy isn’t home and Daddy’s girl wants love. I adore them both, but I wouldn’t mind a full night’s sleep, especially since I’m now getting up at 5:30 or earlier to get to work on time. 🙂

Collecting Themselves.

Happy July, kids.

Yep, two months. Not that I haven’t had anything about which to talk, necessarily, but here. Pick a reason I haven’t written about them.

A) OMD BUSY.
B) OMD KITTENS.
C) OMD BURNOUT.
D) OMD WRITER’S BLOCK.
E) OMD ALL OF THOSE.

There’s been a lot of mundane stuff happening. The day job went crazy for a while. We brought home two kittens (they are SO CUTE and SO DEMANDING). I’ve had commissions to do – they’ve built up to seven. The strange summer weather here on the east coast has been destroying Kit and making his various conditions all flare, meaning all the running-the-household stuff has fallen to me and the youngest, when I can wrangle his help (he’s better than I was at his age, so I really can’t bitch too much). I’ve been burning out somewhat, which means words? Yeah, they don’t flow very well.

Notice Something missing? Or more specifically, Someone?

That’s because He’s been very, very quiet.

They’ve all been very, very quiet.

Sir is still there. I reach out, and He reaches back. But even though He is at His strongest now – Father and Hunter and Master of the Wood – He isn’t chatty. He is making no demands or requests of me. I still have tasks, make no mistake. I still need to sit at my altar (after I remove a kitten); I need to start Their offerings again; Kit made mention of “walking in His forest” (a meditation of sorts). But He isn’t pushing.

Danu is quiet. Ganesha is quiet. Redwing is quiet. Tamalut is quiet. Even The Folk are quiet.

I talk to Kit. I talk to J. Their patrons are quiet. (And when Raven is quiet, you know something is up.) No one is angry. No one is upset. It feels like They’re collecting Themselves, gathering Their strength… almost waiting.

Something is coming is the message that keeps popping up. It’s been coming up for several people for over a year now. Soon, soon. “Soon,” of course, is in Their time, not ours. But Their gathering, Their quiet… I’m no so much nervous as I am a little lonely, and a little cautiously curious.

But I have work – and Work – to do. I have instructions from Him. That’s kind of the funny-odd part of being slave and lover to a Deity. Just because He’s quiet doesn’t mean the Work stops; it doesn’t mean W/we are no longer lovers. It means that both parties are busy, just with different things.

Actually, the thought just occurred to me – the six months of training and post-collaring  follow-up meant W/we were very very close for a long and intense period of time. Can anyone say breathing time? *chuckles*

So yes. The mundane front is CA-RAZY busy; it’s still quiet – but steady – on the spiritual front.

Silence.

He is silent.

It’s a strange feeling, that. When I reach out (because I miss him and am only human), all I receive in return is a feeling of grey. Not a stir. Not a whisper. I see Him, and He is still.

My husband works with those across the Hedge. I do not. I feel it most keenly now, when He’s on that side. I have no way to bridge that, and I am not meant to. Not yet. Maybe not ever. It’s something I have to accept, am working on accepting. Some days are easier than others. Date Night was difficult, at least to start.

At the same time, it’s interesting what fills the silence He has left. Rather, Who does. Danu has reached out to me more in the past few days than ever. She is my Mother, my Friend, and my Comforter – as well as a swift kick in the ass when I need it. She seems to have taken it upon Herself to keep an eye on me while He’s gone. That’s amusing to me, and very comforting.

He is silent, but I am not alone.

One more reason to cuss at my OM.

(For those playing the home game: OM = Ordeal Master. FTR: they be an awesome person whom I love. They are also very good at their Job, to a scary degree.)

Found this on an old journal of my OM’s. Next thing I know, I’m getting a tap – not from my left (Himself), but from my right (Danu). It’s rare that She asks anything of me; the first time She did was for my Motherhood/Fear Ordeal, and She has asked nothing else since.

You love My Son, She says. (He adds, And He loves you. Like tennis, have Them both speaking.) You will do His Work. These are things you need to know about yourself, and things He will need to know about you. I’m not like your mortal mother. (That’s a whole ‘nother subject.)

So here goes, I guess… 25 Things About My Sexuality.

1. First things first – if anyone but Kit spanks me, be ready to be punched. That is a red for everyone but him.

2. I. Love. Sound. Voices get me. (Avery Brooks. k.d. lang. Patrick Stewart. Annie Lennox. Gary Oldman. Melissa Etheridge. Alan Rickman. Chrissy Hynde. Need I go on?) Certain tones of voice or vocal qualities get me. Sounds of people fucking or otherwise enjoying themselves turn me on. Certain kinds of music and certain songs get me hot. I am an auralist.

3. Pornographic images do nothing for me. Single exception: hot guys kissing. Yes, just kissing. Which leads me to Point 4:

4. Bits do not turn me on. Guy bits. Girl bits. Bits that are both or neither or anything in between. I don’t care about your dick or your box or your dick in a box.

5. I am turned on by pornographic writing. This includes my own. (Yes, I have written sex scenes in my fan-fiction. No, I am not sharing them… yet.)

6. Surprise me with a knife and I am a puddle. Surprise me with a knife and a growled threat thisclose to my ear and I will get wet and growl right back. (“Don’t move” works well.)

7. I fight. Part of what turns me on is the fight, especially if it’s a battle of wills. My own submission does not turn me on, so don’t expect the fight to stop. And just because I orgasm doesn’t mean I’ve stopped fighting, so fuck you, you didn’t win. 😛

8. I adore cunnilingus. I haven’t the slightest clue how to do it, but I love the way it feels.

9. Not so fond of fellatio – watching or doing. There’s only one exception to this rule.

10. Not so fond of fingering, either. Sometimes an insertion of one or two fingers gets me going, but not so much joy on the external parts. And absolutely no more than one or two fingers, because:

11. I have a narrow vagina. Whether it’s because of how my hipbones are placed or something else, it’s narrow and doesn’t like to be pushed any further. Most insertable toys freak me out for this reason; trying to make my vagina take anything larger is painful to me and will stop happyfuntimes right in its tracks. (So go ahead, ask me again about fisting. You will get nowhere near my bits.)

12. Lube makes me feel yucky. I’ve only ever used it at the doctor’s office, and have never needed it in the bedroom. So all those ads, while amusing, are totally wasted on me.

13. I love hands. It’s something I’ve been fascinated with since reading about Meg’s hands in Little Women. It’s something I notice about people a lot. I like to play with people’s hands and I like it when people’s hands play with me; it gets me right in my happy place.

14. I also love lips. I’ll watch people’s mouths when they talk, not because I’m a lip-reader (although sometimes I wonder if that will help), but because it fascinates me. I can spent an hour staring at someone’s lips. They turn me on.

15. I have a mean streak. I haven’t had much chance to exercise it, but there’s a nasty part of me that likes to make people uncomfortable. Makes me a potentially mean Top and a bratty bottom.

16. My ability and desire to play/cuddle/make out/fuck are affected very definitively by my mood. Dysthymia, anxiety, and social awkwardness play havoc with this too. So just because I say no thank you that time doesn’t mean I don’t want to ever; it means I’m having a bad swing.

17. I am horrible at constructing scenes or asking for the things I want. Asking me directly is the best way for my brain to go fizz. This is something I need to work on, but while I’m learning, asking leading questions helps.

18. I find androgyny unbelievably sexy. David Bowie, Grace Jones, and Annie Lennox are some of my favorite examples. Related to that:

19. I don’t give a damn what bits you have; if I find you sexy, I want to nom you. I guess that’s related to Point 4 as well; since I don’t find the bits themselves sexy, I don’t care which ones you have. If I find you at all attractive (which is often more personality than looks), I will have a crush on you at some point and likely never tell you.

20. I fantasize about rape. Being raped, doing the raping, either one. It’s not about the sex; it’s about the power or the lack of it. I’m not about to go out and rape some random person just for the power, and don’t think I won’t kick you in the shinies if you crawl in my window unannounced. But the fantasy is there, and it gets me hot.

21. A fascination with incest was my dirty little secret as a teen. I used to read incest porn with great interest. (Yes, it’s one of those “ew, ick, taboo” things. And? Tell me you don’t have any “ick, taboo” curiosities and I’ll tell you I’ve a bridge for sale.) These days I react more along “mainstream” lines (I make West Virginia jokes about cousins). But while I have a scientific and personal aversion, I still have the “consenting adults” perspective on it. In fact, my current spiritual path is, I come to find, full of incest. (Once-Father is Lover/to-be-Master, who is Son/Lover to my Mother. Go fig.)

22. There’s a lot of pain I can take being bitten that I can’t take any other way, and I think it’s in part because of my long fascination with vampires. Not a unique fetish, to be sure, but one of my longest ones. (I saw “Vampire Hunter D” when I was 11 or 12 and fell in love with D.) Om nom nom.

23. I like random makeouts and puppy/cuddle piles, but rarely have them or join in on them because of my social anxiety/shyness/whatchamacallit.

24. I don’t consider myself sexy. At all. Some folks who know me will argue, and that’s fine. But I don’t see it. *shrugs* It is what it is. I can flirt and dress up and wear sexy shoes, but it doesn’t make me feel sexy. Good, sure. Mildly attractive, maybe. Sexy? Not really.

25. I am a sucker for simple touch.

Okay, that was hard. But there it is.

Weekend thoughts, and a conversation with Mother.

I spent the long weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Not to say a few things didn’t get done (I did some whirlwind cleaning yesterday, and went to a local food expo on Saturday), but I had another head cold and spent most of the weekend parked in front of my computer playing “Zoo Tycoon.” (For those playing the home game, that’s two games. Yes, I have permission for both.)

The nothing included much to do with Him. Kit mentioned numerous times that I was closing off again. This wasn’t for lack of trying; every few hours I would sit up and reach out. He again wasn’t saying much to me due to me being sick. There was an odd moment during gameplay that I reached for a cheat shortcut (I’m notorious for that); He said, Play the long game. I think I know why He’s letting me play Zoo Tycoon – it takes patience if you don’t cheat. (My latest game is with the biggest layout available; with a cheat I have an immediate zoo, and without it took me four game years to get seven exhibits done without going bankrupt.)

That said, He was not pleased when I finally took my seat last night. I have been lax yet again; head cold notwithstanding, I could have taken my seat, gone to bed on time, and gotten other small things done. (I can weave chain and paint while I’m sick and waiting for my zoo money to build up, after all.) I didn’t, and His punishment this time was physically painful. I have the first item for my Toybag of Hateful Things, you see – a pair of clover clamps that Kit and I picked up a few years back. They’re too much for me to use for play, but we never got rid of them either.

Last night, He Told me to put them on. Then He Told me to sit up straight.

Pain. I wanted to take them back off right away, and I wasn’t allowed to. They weren’t on long, mind – less than a minute, probably – but it was long enough. The straighter I sat, the more they pulled, and the more it hurt. When He let me take them off, my shoulders collapsed inwards and I dropped my head onto my altar, whimpering. It wasn’t long before He started playing with my shields (His favorite way to mess with me), then inside that gap He made in my chest. It was intense, and loving, and confused my head a bit. It all left me tired, a little meek, a little cranky, and a little restless. Rest didn’t come until after 11:30, and I feel like I spent most of the night waking up.

My alarm (reset at His urging or my guilt, not sure which) went off at 5:00 this morning. I shut it off, dragged myself out of bed, washed, and sat before my altar again. To my surprised, Danu spoke. She asked me to hold Her representation while She talked. There were some interesting words and instructions – nothing I can really wrap my head around to repeat. He popped in a little bit, but mostly it was a conversation with Her.

I was allowed back to bed until 6:00 (maybe a half-hour more) when I had to get up for work.

He’s being terrifyingly patient. I’m not sure why. I’m such a petulant, stubborn, careless thing sometimes.

I’m tired. I’m afraid. I’m confused. I’m in love.

Life is so strange right now, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.