(For those playing the home game: OM = Ordeal Master. FTR: they be an awesome person whom I love. They are also very good at their Job, to a scary degree.)
Found this on an old journal of my OM’s. Next thing I know, I’m getting a tap – not from my left (Himself), but from my right (Danu). It’s rare that She asks anything of me; the first time She did was for my Motherhood/Fear Ordeal, and She has asked nothing else since.
You love My Son, She says. (He adds, And He loves you. Like tennis, have Them both speaking.) You will do His Work. These are things you need to know about yourself, and things He will need to know about you. I’m not like your mortal mother. (That’s a whole ‘nother subject.)
So here goes, I guess… 25 Things About My Sexuality.
1. First things first – if anyone but Kit spanks me, be ready to be punched. That is a red for everyone but him.
2. I. Love. Sound. Voices get me. (Avery Brooks. k.d. lang. Patrick Stewart. Annie Lennox. Gary Oldman. Melissa Etheridge. Alan Rickman. Chrissy Hynde. Need I go on?) Certain tones of voice or vocal qualities get me. Sounds of people fucking or otherwise enjoying themselves turn me on. Certain kinds of music and certain songs get me hot. I am an auralist.
3. Pornographic images do nothing for me. Single exception: hot guys kissing. Yes, just kissing. Which leads me to Point 4:
4. Bits do not turn me on. Guy bits. Girl bits. Bits that are both or neither or anything in between. I don’t care about your dick or your box or your dick in a box.
5. I am turned on by pornographic writing. This includes my own. (Yes, I have written sex scenes in my fan-fiction. No, I am not sharing them… yet.)
6. Surprise me with a knife and I am a puddle. Surprise me with a knife and a growled threat thisclose to my ear and I will get wet and growl right back. (“Don’t move” works well.)
7. I fight. Part of what turns me on is the fight, especially if it’s a battle of wills. My own submission does not turn me on, so don’t expect the fight to stop. And just because I orgasm doesn’t mean I’ve stopped fighting, so fuck you, you didn’t win. 😛
8. I adore cunnilingus. I haven’t the slightest clue how to do it, but I love the way it feels.
9. Not so fond of fellatio – watching or doing. There’s only one exception to this rule.
10. Not so fond of fingering, either. Sometimes an insertion of one or two fingers gets me going, but not so much joy on the external parts. And absolutely no more than one or two fingers, because:
11. I have a narrow vagina. Whether it’s because of how my hipbones are placed or something else, it’s narrow and doesn’t like to be pushed any further. Most insertable toys freak me out for this reason; trying to make my vagina take anything larger is painful to me and will stop happyfuntimes right in its tracks. (So go ahead, ask me again about fisting. You will get nowhere near my bits.)
12. Lube makes me feel yucky. I’ve only ever used it at the doctor’s office, and have never needed it in the bedroom. So all those ads, while amusing, are totally wasted on me.
13. I love hands. It’s something I’ve been fascinated with since reading about Meg’s hands in Little Women. It’s something I notice about people a lot. I like to play with people’s hands and I like it when people’s hands play with me; it gets me right in my happy place.
14. I also love lips. I’ll watch people’s mouths when they talk, not because I’m a lip-reader (although sometimes I wonder if that will help), but because it fascinates me. I can spent an hour staring at someone’s lips. They turn me on.
15. I have a mean streak. I haven’t had much chance to exercise it, but there’s a nasty part of me that likes to make people uncomfortable. Makes me a potentially mean Top and a bratty bottom.
16. My ability and desire to play/cuddle/make out/fuck are affected very definitively by my mood. Dysthymia, anxiety, and social awkwardness play havoc with this too. So just because I say no thank you that time doesn’t mean I don’t want to ever; it means I’m having a bad swing.
17. I am horrible at constructing scenes or asking for the things I want. Asking me directly is the best way for my brain to go fizz. This is something I need to work on, but while I’m learning, asking leading questions helps.
18. I find androgyny unbelievably sexy. David Bowie, Grace Jones, and Annie Lennox are some of my favorite examples. Related to that:
19. I don’t give a damn what bits you have; if I find you sexy, I want to nom you. I guess that’s related to Point 4 as well; since I don’t find the bits themselves sexy, I don’t care which ones you have. If I find you at all attractive (which is often more personality than looks), I will have a crush on you at some point and likely never tell you.
20. I fantasize about rape. Being raped, doing the raping, either one. It’s not about the sex; it’s about the power or the lack of it. I’m not about to go out and rape some random person just for the power, and don’t think I won’t kick you in the shinies if you crawl in my window unannounced. But the fantasy is there, and it gets me hot.
21. A fascination with incest was my dirty little secret as a teen. I used to read incest porn with great interest. (Yes, it’s one of those “ew, ick, taboo” things. And? Tell me you don’t have any “ick, taboo” curiosities and I’ll tell you I’ve a bridge for sale.) These days I react more along “mainstream” lines (I make West Virginia jokes about cousins). But while I have a scientific and personal aversion, I still have the “consenting adults” perspective on it. In fact, my current spiritual path is, I come to find, full of incest. (Once-Father is Lover/to-be-Master, who is Son/Lover to my Mother. Go fig.)
22. There’s a lot of pain I can take being bitten that I can’t take any other way, and I think it’s in part because of my long fascination with vampires. Not a unique fetish, to be sure, but one of my longest ones. (I saw “Vampire Hunter D” when I was 11 or 12 and fell in love with D.) Om nom nom.
23. I like random makeouts and puppy/cuddle piles, but rarely have them or join in on them because of my social anxiety/shyness/whatchamacallit.
24. I don’t consider myself sexy. At all. Some folks who know me will argue, and that’s fine. But I don’t see it. *shrugs* It is what it is. I can flirt and dress up and wear sexy shoes, but it doesn’t make me feel sexy. Good, sure. Mildly attractive, maybe. Sexy? Not really.
25. I am a sucker for simple touch.
Okay, that was hard. But there it is.