Twilight Covening comes again.

I have missed it for the past two years. Now that things are stabilizing financially (thanks to Kit’s new job), I am going back to Twilight Covening.

Of late, I have been utterly overwhelmed by Life. This, if you’ve been around for a while, is not unusual. We’re still in the midst of the House Saga (very close to actually buying it now, thanks to family help). There’s still stuff to unpack, because my nerves about being able to stay kept me from unpacking much more. We’ve had a plumbing problem in the kitchen that we might (might) have finally solved. And add to that doctor stuff, anxiety stuff, day-to-day responsibilities, and business stuff, and BOOM. There goes the spiritual life again.

I feel like one of the weirdest godslaves ever, really.

I did manage Ganeshotsav this year, good and proper, including the nose piercing I still owed Him. And we finally got the main altars set up. That all helped immensely.

But going back to Twilight Covening is a relief… and utterly nerve-wracking.

The selection process was shockingly easy for me. And I got my first choice – Kodiak, which is built to help us learn to nourish our Work and our Selves. This is part of why I’m relieved, because yet again, I’m restless and exhausted and way too often on the edge of burnout.

No, I didn’t keep up with yoga. No, I didn’t keep imced or the Fool in balance. No, I didn’t keep any of the lessons I learned at my last Twilight in 2013. I’ve let Life overwhelm me again, and over and over again let me berate myself for being a lazy Pagan and a bad godslave and everything else, which is a cycle that is really terrible, honestly, and you shouldn’t do that and neither should I, but welcome to my brain.

So I need this. I need this badly, and Kit’s insistence that I go, that I use part of his hard-earned first paycheck to register, is a relief.

But I’ve missed two years of the mountain. And going back after being away from anything so long makes me nervous as hell. I’m back to being that, “Oh no, trying new things, help?” person, at least for the moment.

Sir is quiet. Danu my Mother is quiet. Ganesha my Cousin is quiet. The Folk and Redwing and Raven (who has more say in my life these days), and Tamalut… they wait. Not to see what I’ll do, not to see if I’ll fail. They wait for me to learn and to grow and to find my way out of the hole I keep putting myself in. They set the path. I need to turn my feet to walk it more often, and more consistently. For my own health; for my own heart; for my own healing.

So back I go. Back to the cold stone, the warm leaves, the high mountain, the low sky. Back I go.

Collecting Themselves.

Happy July, kids.

Yep, two months. Not that I haven’t had anything about which to talk, necessarily, but here. Pick a reason I haven’t written about them.

A) OMD BUSY.
B) OMD KITTENS.
C) OMD BURNOUT.
D) OMD WRITER’S BLOCK.
E) OMD ALL OF THOSE.

There’s been a lot of mundane stuff happening. The day job went crazy for a while. We brought home two kittens (they are SO CUTE and SO DEMANDING). I’ve had commissions to do – they’ve built up to seven. The strange summer weather here on the east coast has been destroying Kit and making his various conditions all flare, meaning all the running-the-household stuff has fallen to me and the youngest, when I can wrangle his help (he’s better than I was at his age, so I really can’t bitch too much). I’ve been burning out somewhat, which means words? Yeah, they don’t flow very well.

Notice Something missing? Or more specifically, Someone?

That’s because He’s been very, very quiet.

They’ve all been very, very quiet.

Sir is still there. I reach out, and He reaches back. But even though He is at His strongest now – Father and Hunter and Master of the Wood – He isn’t chatty. He is making no demands or requests of me. I still have tasks, make no mistake. I still need to sit at my altar (after I remove a kitten); I need to start Their offerings again; Kit made mention of “walking in His forest” (a meditation of sorts). But He isn’t pushing.

Danu is quiet. Ganesha is quiet. Redwing is quiet. Tamalut is quiet. Even The Folk are quiet.

I talk to Kit. I talk to J. Their patrons are quiet. (And when Raven is quiet, you know something is up.) No one is angry. No one is upset. It feels like They’re collecting Themselves, gathering Their strength… almost waiting.

Something is coming is the message that keeps popping up. It’s been coming up for several people for over a year now. Soon, soon. “Soon,” of course, is in Their time, not ours. But Their gathering, Their quiet… I’m no so much nervous as I am a little lonely, and a little cautiously curious.

But I have work – and Work – to do. I have instructions from Him. That’s kind of the funny-odd part of being slave and lover to a Deity. Just because He’s quiet doesn’t mean the Work stops; it doesn’t mean W/we are no longer lovers. It means that both parties are busy, just with different things.

Actually, the thought just occurred to me – the six months of training and post-collaring  follow-up meant W/we were very very close for a long and intense period of time. Can anyone say breathing time? *chuckles*

So yes. The mundane front is CA-RAZY busy; it’s still quiet – but steady – on the spiritual front.

Gratitude and Ganeshotsav

Ganesh Chaturthi was yesterday, and I am focusing on Ganesha until the 29th. Even Sir says, “He takes precedence.” This means several things for me. I don’t eat meat for the duration. I eat a little more in the way of treats. My altar is now dedicated to Ganesha, with a special cloth, statue, incense burner, and offering dish. I’ll have to take a photo; the statue really is quite gorgeous. I offer Him sweets, incense, and sometimes flowers. I have yet to do a proper puja, but He seems satisfied with chocolates. (I’ve offered Moonpies in the past; I can’t tell you how amused He was.)

So, Blessed Ganeshotsav, all.

While I haven’t been keeping up with the daily gratitude, today I have an extra special one. I am so very grateful for my support group. My family. My friends. My deities. They have helped me during hard times. They have cheered me during my successes. They have been with me through thick and thin, and I love T/them.

Why the sudden outpouring? Let’s just say… the wind has brought this little bird word of another criticism of my path by those who know nothing about me. I wanted to remind myself that I am loved and supported by T/those who know me, and to express to the universe how thankful I am for it.

The other diners at the table.

I’ve had a pretty rough night, and the day is quickly whiling away.  I had this post already pretty much written, and I want to try to post something daily.  So… welcome to my dinner table.

It’s obvious that the major focus of this work is Cernunnos.  He is my Lover and will be my Dominant (the title I am to use is yet to be determined).  But He is not the only one sitting at my table.  The other diners are a rather interesting bunch.

Danu, whom I have mentioned, is my Mother.  In some legend, She is the Mother of all the Celtic beings – gods and spirits alike – and has claimed me as Her child and voice.  She has always been gentle with me (Ordeal notwithstanding).  While I have fussed and complained like a four-year-old when She gives me a task, I have never insulted or outright defied Her.

Alongside Danu are Her other children, the Folk (otherwise known as the Aes Sidhe).  They receive milk and sometimes candy at their outdoor Folk House, but only enter my home when I’ve been derelict in this.  The wards Kit keeps repels all but the strongest and most benign intentions, but if I’ve been lax, they’ve been known to hide the TV remote.  They show themselves to me as fog most of the time and, while not deities, they are Siblings to me and require my attention.

Another deity at my table is Ganesha, for whom I am also voice, but usually amusement.  He is calm and laughs at me, requires devotion at His holidays and is often comfort in the face of an obstacle.  He usually gets along with everyone else at the table, but has sparred with Cernunnos once or twice over my consumption of meat at specific times.  He has made it clear that He is Warrior and will fight if need be – whether it is against my obstacles or against me.

My Guide is the red winged blackbird.  In European myth, he is often a sign of death and bad fortune, but he has been my first sign of spring for years.  He is my barometer of the seasons, an energetic and vain little bird, and gave me his wings as my shields.

Finally, a kahina (wise woman) stands as Presence.  She is a Kabyle ancestress of Kit’s whose spirit lives in the century-old wedding bracelet my in-laws gifted to me.  The bracelet was, best we can tell, made for her, and she will not tolerate damage (she has bitten me more than once).  She is the one driving my efforts with Kabyle symbols; she is a severe and no-nonsense woman, and she does not like metalworkers, as they know how to unmake her.

There is much more to all of these relationships, of course, but these are the place settings at my table.  Makes life very, very interesting sometimes.